The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This Episode: "Rich Richman explains it all!"

    A television turns on. You see a man in his fifties sitting at a desk, holding a few papers. He looks directly at the camera. "This is Rich Richman for the Hulaville Nightly News." The man looks down at his papers for a moment and looks back up again. "The state and the country are still in shock after having learned that The Senator has killed the notorious villain known only as The Thrill Seeker.
    A vigilante calling himself," Rich Richman pauses for an exasperated moment, "Pimp Racer, illegally broke into Hulaville prison and captured the killing on video. He then released it online where it has had over 60 million views. For those few that haven't seen it, we now present it. Viewer discretion is advised."
    The screen cuts to a grainy black and green video that never the less clearly shows The Senator standing in front of The thrill Seeker's specially designed security cell. The Gaurds are asleep on the floor as if they've fainted. A strange glow surrounds The Senator's Hand.
    "I'll be seeing you," says The Thrill Seeker.
     "Not if there's nothing left to heal. Not if I don't leave anything, not even the smallest of remains."
    The Thrill Seeker looks thoughtful, "You know I've always wondered about that."
    "You don't get to find out if I succeed."
     "Well now, I think a lot of people would disagr--"
    Curling ribbons of light extend from The Senator's hand and envelop The Thrill Seeker, who screams in pain. It's over in a moment and the lights go back out. We see The Senator, now no longer in green but in color, walking away from an empty cell. In the cell there aren't even any ashes. There is no smoke.
     "Damn!" we hear a voice whisper, "The Senator killed the Thrill Seeker!"
    The television cuts back to Rich Richman. "That last voice we heard was of a vigilante going by the name of," Rich Richman re-reads his paper as if he can hardly believe the riduculous names these people give themselves, "Pimp Racer. This individual is not registered with Hulaville police force as a super hero. We have also confirmed Pimp Racer was the unknown man chasing The Thrill Seeker in the streets of hulaville earlier this month. Meanwhile there is no sign of The Senator since his magical Disapearance a few days ago."
    We cut to a scene outside of The Senator's Mansion, He is on foot running from police.
    "Stop!" says one of the officers as they give chase. The Senator runs into an alley. The police are still hot on his tail. He runs into another street, right into a group of reporters. The Senator looks to the approaching police behind him. He's trapped. The Senator looks up.

    At you.

    The Senator reaches for the sides of the television screen and pulls himself through, to the amazement of the reporters. As he crawls out of the screen it pulls at him like taffy. Static Surrounds the Senator. Then he's out and kneeling in what looks like a cheep motel room. The Television is a smoking husk filled with molten glass. Smoke pours off of him. He's covered in soot. Molten glass cools and makes crinkly noises on his clothes.
    The Senator gets up. Cleans himself off as best he can with a hankerchief and then...

    He smiles right at you.

    Then, with a powerful gust of wind he pushes you out of the room, out of the hotel, out of the parking lot, you float above the city like a child's balloon that's been let go. Eventually you fall to the ground.

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This episode: "Return to Hulaville!"

Action Steve and Action Raptor materialize in The Super Action Vehicle in The Action Lair's garage in a cloud of sparkly dust. The Action lair lies underground beneath The Cold War Cafe, a 1950's themed restaurant owned by Action Steve's pal and benefactor, Chef Patrick. Action Steve lives here rent free. In exchange Patrick has exclusive access to any interesting technology Action Steve brings back from his adventures. Action Steve wasn't sure if that applied to the magic spellbook he just brought back but he'd mention it anyway.

The Spellbook had been given to him by a wizard and champion of Justice called The Mighty Pine Cone! Action Steve met The Mighty Pine Cone After Chronotron The Chronobot, another benifactor of Action Steve's and master of time and space, transported him and his best friend, Action Raptor, to the Magical Land of Eranor. The Mighty Pine Cone and Chronotron were confident that the spells in Action Steve's new spell book would work the same in Hulaville as they did in Eranor, but Action Steve would just have to try and see. Action Steve and Action Raptor were also happy to learn that their new/old friend The Super Action Vehicle would not stop being a person once they arrived in Hulaville. The Super Action Vehicle was The Action Duo's flying car from the future, and it had apparently magically become sentient their adventures in Eranor. Now that they were in Hulaville again, Action Raptor asked The Super Action Vehicle how he felt.

"Thraaaak?"

BEEP BEEP!

"Sure. I don't mind if you go out and explore," answered Action Steve. "You really don't have to ask permission. You're your own person after all." replied Action Steve.

BEEEEEEEEP!

"Sure we'll give you a call when we need you. Have fun!"

BEEPBEEPBEEP!

As The Super Action Vehicle zooms off to have fun in Hulaville, Action Steve and Action Raptor walk into the living room of The Action Lair and are greeted by Robo-Butler 3000, Action Steve and Action Raptor's robot butler. "Welcome back Sir," greeted their automaton manservant. The Robo-Butler 3000 was another piece of technology Action Steve had acquired during his adventures. "I've taken messages from Detective Ace Malloy, Chef Patrick, Action Pre, The press, and The Action Steve Fan club. Also I regret to inform you that your supervisor has called to say you've been fired from your job at the call center."

"Well crud," replies Action Steve. "I suppose that's the sort of thing that happens when you're on the run from the law. By the way, please remind me to get you tested for personhood. You've been acting far too much like a person lately for me to keep you here as an unpaid servant."

"Actually you have been pardoned of all all wrongdoing in the wake of the latest political scandal. The Senator proved to be an immortal wizard that has killed The Thrill Seeker. Part of an ancient rivalry, it has been guessed. The resulting media attention has allowed Mayor Malloy to quietly drop all charges. Normally, Mayor Malloy said, you would be sentenced to community service, but we both agreed, you already do that. And tests for my being a person won't be necessary sir. However if it would make you feel better I would like a salary once you get a new job and I'd like to have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off."

"Done. Looks like I need to look into breaking into the lecture circuit after all." replies Action Steve. "The Thrill seeker's really dead?"

"Apparently so. A vigilante calling himself 'Pimp Racer' caught a video of The Senator casting a spell and vaporising The Thrill Seeker. The video has gone viral as they say. That would appear to be the end of him, and of The Senator's Career. The Senator, meanwhile, has disappeared."

"Wow"

"Indeed sir."

"I guess I need to make some phone calls and appearances to let everyone know I'm back. Then I think we ought to track The Senator down." says Action Steve.

"Good idea sir."

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This episode: "Questions and Answers!"

Action Steve remembered when he first encountered The Intention, as Chronotron The Chronobot calls it. He had been walking around Hulaville in what he would come to call his Action Steve costume, but just then it was simply a costume. Steve had made a blue mask and cape and bought some gloves to match and went walking around in super hero garb just for fun. As he was walking along trying to see if he could play the ukulele with his gloves on Steve spotted some men in a side street. One of them was pointing a gun at the other and threatening him. The sensible thing would have been to call the police, to run away. And indeed in an infinite number of universes, this is exactly what Steve did. Most of those Steves never became a super hero. This Steve, the one that at that moment became Action Steve, threw his Ukulele at the man holding the gun. Action Steve knew, before the instrument hit the man's head, that it would knock him out. The instrument should not have been able to do that, but the man with the gun dropped to the ground. His friends made to grab it but Action Steve kicked the gun away and punched another man right in the face, knocking him out as well!

Up to this point, Action Steve had never been in a fight in his life, but it felt completely right, he was in control, in the zone, as clichéd as it sounded, there was no other phrase for it. The intended victim had run away but the remaining thug was angry. He apparently didn't care if his intended victims were probably already calling the police. He was also much bigger and stronger than Steve. The man caught Steve in a headlock and it was then that Steve began to realize it might have been foolish to rush at a group of thugs. He didn't know how to fight. He was dressed like a comic book super hero and was now about to die or at least get a serious thrashing. Fear overtook him...

Then there was an explosion. The nearby brick wall had erupted in dust. Action Steve used it as a distraction to get loose from the thug's grip and get some distance. As the dust cleared Steve could see clearly in letters carved into the wall a foot and a half high: "Action Steve, you can do this and more. Together we will tip the balance."

The thug went from angry and menacing to nervous. "It's a trick!" he yelled.

But Action Steve knew it was no trick. He knew that someone or something wanted to help him capture this man and bring him to justice. Action Steve Picked up his cracked and nearly broken Ukulele and before the man could react, Action Steve smashed the instrument over the man's head, knocking him unconscious.

"It was a similar story with me," replied The Mighty Pine Cone. "Of course I already knew how to fight and was a bit younger than you, but the mysterious intention made itself known to me as I was fighting some local brigands. As it did you. It could help me in battle, turn fortune to my side, and help me in other ways if only I was willing to protect the weak, defend freedom, and fight only for justice. It asked for help to "tip the balance" as it likes to say. Not too long after that, Chronotron The Chronobot here came to help me as he does many heroes throughout The Multiverse. I've also recruited those of a like mind and formed The Order Of The Pine Cone."

"I've got The Action Alliance," replied Action Steve.

"I do not suppose it is important that you accept the true nature of the multiverse Action Steve," said Chronotron The Chronobot, a huge boxy robot and master of time and space, "We both work alongside The Intention as I've come to refer to it because we both believe in helping people, and we believe that The Multiverse ought to be safer, fairer, and more just."

"Chronotron, if you and These heroes will assent to it, I'd like to train Action Steve and Action Raptor a little in the ways of magic and of combat before they go." said The Mighty Pine Cone. "Does their world even have any magic?"

"It does," responded Chronotron, "but it is hard to get to, unpredictable, and much of it lies dormant."

"I'd love to hang around and learn more. What about you A.R.?"


"Thrrrrrraaaaak!" Action Raptor, Action Steve's feathered dinosaur pal, nodded happily.

"We should also ask The Super Action Vehicle," said Action Steve. "Oh yeah I would like to talk to you about him Mighty Pine Cone, but don't we need to get back?" Action Steve turned to Chronotron, "Or do you propose to transport us to the correct time as well as place no matter how much time we've spent here Chronotron?"

"I will take you to one of the Hulaville's most similar to the one you remember, where little time seems to have passed and one that also will most need your help in the near term," Chronotron replied.

"Ok, I guess we're going to be your guests for a while Mighty Pine Cone, We'd love to learn anything you can teach us," said Action Steve.

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This episode: "The Good, the Bad, and The Mighty Pine Cone!"

Lord Rudolf was only wearing trousers, no shoes, no shirt, but that's not the main reason he'd be asked to leave at many a local eating establishment. He was also easily 12 feet tall, had massive sharp claws, huge fangs, and was covered in green scales. He was also a killer of men, dragons, faries, gnomes, tiny robots named schmoo and anything else that had got in his way. Action Steve learned later that he used to be a wizard, but had been frail and unhealthy. He seemed pretty healthy now after having performed magical experiments on himself. He also had a severe mean streak. Lord Rudolf was currently backed up in a corner and surrounded by several Dragons, Sir Sarah The Knight and Former Warlord, The Wizard Neville The Great, Action Steve, and Action Raptor, and The Super Action Vehicle who had only recently come to life (Action Steve was going to have to ask somebody about that) and become the newest member of The Action Alliance.

"Please come with us peacefully. I can promise you'll finally get a fair trial Rudolf. Parius, King of the Dragons, will see to that," says Action Steve as he points his Action-lele directly at Lord Rudolf.

"I am grateful for the consideration," Lord Rudolf replied, "But you and I both know that even if I had a fair trial I'd be found guilty. Because, I am guilty!"

"We've got you surrounded. You can't escape," said Sir Sarah.

"Ah, but you see my lady, not one of you will make the first strike. I daresay you could all take me down and imprison me once again. But as before, you would not do so without," he grinned, "casualties." Just as Lord Rudolf was about to strike, The Mighty Pine Cone jumps down from the cliff, holding his lute like a club, this bearded man in animal fur strikes Lord Rudolf on the head. Sparks fly when the body of the lute hits the reptilian's head and Lord Rudolf falls unconscious to the ground.

Just behind the prone body of Lord Rudolf something the size and shape of two upright cars appears out of a waviness in the air! Chronotron The Chronobot has finally arrived!

"Well you took your sweet time!" complains Action Steve. Action Raptor was about to erupt with a dinosaur equivalent of "yeah!" but saw that everybody else besides The Mighty Pine Cone, Action Steve and himself, including Sir Sarah and Neville The Great, were bowing before Chronotron as if he were an object of worship.

"Huh?" asks Action Steve.

"Actually this is kind of embarrassing," answered Chronotron.

"Most people around here think of him as a god," explained The Mighty Pine Cone. "Perhaps it's best we speak of this in private." The Mighty Pine Cone turns his attention to the bowing Dragons and Humans, "I'm sure these fine humans and dragons can work together to keep a killer safely away from innocent people."

"Agreed," says Chrotron, and with that, Action Steve, Action Raptor, The Mighty Pine Cone, The Super Action Vehicle, and Chronotron The Chronobot shimmer away, leaving the dragons, humans, and the unconscious body of Lord Rudolf to deal with things on their own for now.

The group reappears in a warm room with a nice roaring fire, There is a dining table in the middle of the room, and shelves upon shelves of books on the walls. The fire bothers Action Steve's asthma a bit, but he doesn't comment. Instead he asks The Mighty Pine Cone, "Are we some kind of versions of each other?"

The Mighty Pine Cone is about to respond but Chronotron Interjects. "The question is irrelevant. You still speak as if you believe that continuity is real. That the past is real. You should know by now that the past is but a memory which happens to coincide with events in other universes which are other moments that you, The Action Steve of this moment, has never been to. You just believe you have."

"I'm sorry Chronotron but yes, I still do believe the past is real. I think there is a connection between one moment and the next, more than mere coincidence. If there is no past or future, just a series of moments that think they're connected, why do you try to do good? Why did you rescue us from The Mighty Pineapple? Why have you been helping The Mighty Pine Cone here?"

There was silence. But Action Steve could see that The Mighty Pine Cone and Action Raptor didn't really believe that there was no past or future. Their memories of the past were largely consistent with the memories of others and they experienced the future constantly becoming the present all the time.

"Because I, like The Intention, believe that doing good in one universe has an effect on the overall balance of justice, fairness, and peace in other universes. We are all trying to tip the balance."

Just what is The Intention? Find out in the next episode of The Astonishing Adventures of Acton Steve!

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve comic!

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve comic! Have a look!

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This episode: "Astonishment!"

To the Astonishment of both dragon and human alike, Action Steve has defeated a dragon in single combat! The large dragon was trying to get up but was too groggy from a face full of gas to do so. Action Steve had given it a dose that would have knocked out a human for a day. Besides The Dragon's legs had been tied up. The fight was over.

Action Steve walks over to the Super Action Vehicle with no objection from the crowd. He speaks to The Super Action vehicle, "Super Action Vehicle, did you help me just now?" The Super Action Vehicle shook in a way that could only be interpreted as a nod. "And you helped us before. You helped us try to get away?" The Super Action Vehicle nodded again. "I suspect that you have magically become a person, or been possessed by a creature wishing to help me. In either case, would you like to join the Action Alliance and fight along side us in the name of justice?" The Super Action vehicled transformed into it's walking mode and used one of it's arms to salute right above his windshield. The Dragons begin clapping and roaring as before.


The humans, Action Steve observed, were not as enthusiastic. "He just used a trick!" yelled one of Sir Sarah's soldiers, "It was his magical weapon! Just some magic powder! He didn't defeat the creature on his own at all!" There was a general murmuring of agreement among the humans and a few shouts of "That's right!". Action Steve played a few notes on his Action Ukulele. It needed tuning. Then took a quick step forward toward the speaker and looked him straight in the eye.


"You think you could do what I just did? Really? Take my uklele, any of you, and fight one of those dragons, I dare ya. I'll even give you a quick tutorial on how the damn thing works. No takers?"


None of the human's moved to speak. Action Steve looked to Sir Sarah and Neville The Great. He could see they were wondering where their soldiers were. There was supposed to be an ambush happening. Action Steve was wondering this himself. That was the whole reason for the fight just now. Action Steve was meant to be a distraction, not the main event. A small microphone pops out of Action Steve's mask. "Hold onto that thought." Action Steve speaks into the microphone, "Yeah?" Sir Sarah commands her army to stay still at a gesture. By all indications, the dragons are having a wonderful time. Many are coming to congratulate Action Steve.


"THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRC!"

"Hey Thanks, I appreciate that."

"Thooooooouac?" asks one of the smaller, just a little larger than man sized dragons.

"Oh he or she'll be fine" replies Action Steve, referring to his dragon opponent, who was even now being helped by friends to sit up. They were all talking animatedly to each other about how good the battle had been.

"Tuaarc!" replied the dragon to Action Steve.

"That's your wife? She's a damn good fighter."

"Theeeeeek Theeeeeek!"

"Just a sec, Hey Action Raptor! Glad to hear you've escaped. And I hear that the dragon royalty Parius and Edena are now out of Human custody. Parius and Edena? Really? Wait til we tell Action Pre and Edna. It's a small multiverse after all. Oh and you say I'm not to worry about the human's planned ambush as it was thwarted by The Order of The Pine Cone and the dragons knew about in anyway." The Dragons that were now surrounding Action Steve were nodding smugly. Action Steve looks meaningfully at Sir Sarah and Neville and smiles. "No I was just repeating what you said to Sarah and Nev for dramatic effect." The Great Sorcerer Neville looks incredulous. He mouths the word "Nev?" to Sir Sarah but she waives him silent and moves to leave. It seemed to occur to most of the humans that now that Action Steve had befriended the dragons, who had thwarted their ambush before it got started with the help of that wizard and dragon sympathizer The Mighty Pine Cone, and now that Action Steve apparently had a giant metal golem seemingly under his command, that they ought to reevaluate their strategic position. The humans begin to leave under the friendliest terms possible.

"What's that? Lord Rudolf escaped too? Is everyone ok? Yeah, even so we should track him down. I might be able to call on these dragons for help." He looks at a few of the dragons who nod affirmingly. The dragons aren't at all confused by his phone call, they must have some equivalent here. Some of them begin instructing others to search for Lord Rudolf, who was a dangerous killer. "Hey guess what? Not only did I defeat a very skilled Dragon warrior in single combat, but it looks like the The Super Action Vehicle is possessed-- hangon on" The SAV shakes his "head" no. "No, wait, has become alive. We better talk with some Dragon's who know magic. Not sure I trust any humans here to give us a straight answer. gimme a second.." Action Steve motions to Sir Sarah and Neville The Great. "Sir Sarah. Neville will you help us capture Lord Rudolf?" Action Steve asks his two enemies in such a sincere manner that the two don't quite know how to react.

Escape!

As Action Steve had been flying off in The Super Action Vehicle along with The Warlord Sir Sarah and Neville The Great, and before Action Steve knew he was in for a fight with a dragon, Action Raptor was going about the business of escaping. The day before Action Steve and Action Raptor had done their best to plan his escape under the circumstances, those circumstances being, among other things, stuck in a technologically primitive but magically rich alternate dimension and being imprisoned and watched very carefully by The Knight and Warlord Sir Sarah and her Wizard and Advisor, Neville The Great. They were both clever but Action Steve and Action Raptor had been clever too, and Action Raptor had managed to hide a few hot packets in his scarf.

Hot packets were very much like the sort of chemical warmers you got in any store, a few chemicals are kept separate by a seal until that seal is broken. Break the seal and you've got a nice warm pad to warm your feet or an injured bit of your body. Hot packets were different in two ways. One was that after the seal had been broken there was a very precise time delay when the packets got hot, and two was that they didn't so much warm up but become hot enough to melt through most metals. While his two dragon friends, Parius and Edena, looked on, Action Raptor had carefully placed and activated a few of these on the makeshift chain barrier that had been put across his cage (Action Raptor could easily get through the iron bars of this cage as it was obviously designed for dragons) would open up enough for Action Raptor to wriggle out.

It worked perfectly. The packets became white hot and made a fizzing noise not unlike an arc weilder and the chains dropped open. Action Raptor waited for the chains to cool down a bit and then wriggled out of his prison.

" THAAAAAAWK," rumbled Parius in praise of his new small lizard bird friend. The creature was very resourceful and clever. Action Raptor also made quick work of the lock on his new friend's door and the guard's came back just in time to see two dragons, both the size of houses, and that runt feathered dragon out of their cages!

The Guards ran away. The passage they went through was too small for the dragons to go through, but there was a large trap door that leads to the main castle courtyard right above them. Now that they were free. The two giants were easily able to break the locks on it and open them up.

There were not that many guards left, but those that were there were out in force. No doubt some have already been sent running to ask Sir Sarah for help. But The remaining humans were trying were trying to be brave. In the middle of the courtyard there was another smaller castle. Around it people were hauling barrels, and hay, and sundry other supplies for daily life. Or they had been. They were now making a break for it. But out of the giant door came a dozen men in armor. One of them, clearly scared but determined not to admit it, pointed his sword at the three creatures, "Dragon scum!" The two dragons got angrier at this and grinned malevolently. Action Raptors face was resolute. "Men! Att-"

"You'd better stand down son." The voice was quiet, but it carried over a long distance. And that's when the soldiers noticed everyone had gone. There was only them, the Dragons and ...

The owner of the voice stood up. He was wearing animal fur, and a large beard and long hair. He wore a pine cone necklace.

"How dare you side with these monsters! Who are you old man?"

The old man took out a lute and strummed a few notes, then he held it the wrong way round just as Action Steve holds his Ukulele. The lute began to sparkle. "I am The Mighty Pine Cone." The Mighty Pine Cone looked toward Action Raptor, "Before you and your friend leave I think you should come and see me. You both need some help defending yourselves against magic." He turned to Parius. "My friend may I suggest that you and your new friend go see to the masked man. I fear he may be in some trouble. I think that Edena and I can keep these men busy."

"Thaaaaaaaurc!" Action Raptor asked them to wait. He could more quickly help Action Steve by letting him know he was safe. A small microphone popped out of Action Raptor's flight cap. "Raaaaaaaatch!" The humans looked incredulous, but The Pine Cone and The Dragon's could understand enough to know that Action Raptor was contacting his friend somehow.