Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Astonishing Adventures of Action Steve! This episode: "Astonishment!"

To the Astonishment of both dragon and human alike, Action Steve has defeated a dragon in single combat! The large dragon was trying to get up but was too groggy from a face full of gas to do so. Action Steve had given it a dose that would have knocked out a human for a day. Besides The Dragon's legs had been tied up. The fight was over.

Action Steve walks over to the Super Action Vehicle with no objection from the crowd. He speaks to The Super Action vehicle, "Super Action Vehicle, did you help me just now?" The Super Action Vehicle shook in a way that could only be interpreted as a nod. "And you helped us before. You helped us try to get away?" The Super Action Vehicle nodded again. "I suspect that you have magically become a person, or been possessed by a creature wishing to help me. In either case, would you like to join the Action Alliance and fight along side us in the name of justice?" The Super Action vehicled transformed into it's walking mode and used one of it's arms to salute right above his windshield. The Dragons begin clapping and roaring as before.

The humans, Action Steve observed, were not as enthusiastic. "He just used a trick!" yelled one of Sir Sarah's soldiers, "It was his magical weapon! Just some magic powder! He didn't defeat the creature on his own at all!" There was a general murmuring of agreement among the humans and a few shouts of "That's right!". Action Steve played a few notes on his Action Ukulele. It needed tuning. Then took a quick step forward toward the speaker and looked him straight in the eye.

"You think you could do what I just did? Really? Take my uklele, any of you, and fight one of those dragons, I dare ya. I'll even give you a quick tutorial on how the damn thing works. No takers?"

None of the human's moved to speak. Action Steve looked to Sir Sarah and Neville The Great. He could see they were wondering where their soldiers were. There was supposed to be an ambush happening. Action Steve was wondering this himself. That was the whole reason for the fight just now. Action Steve was meant to be a distraction, not the main event. A small microphone pops out of Action Steve's mask. "Hold onto that thought." Action Steve speaks into the microphone, "Yeah?" Sir Sarah commands her army to stay still at a gesture. By all indications, the dragons are having a wonderful time. Many are coming to congratulate Action Steve.


"Hey Thanks, I appreciate that."

"Thooooooouac?" asks one of the smaller, just a little larger than man sized dragons.

"Oh he or she'll be fine" replies Action Steve, referring to his dragon opponent, who was even now being helped by friends to sit up. They were all talking animatedly to each other about how good the battle had been.

"Tuaarc!" replied the dragon to Action Steve.

"That's your wife? She's a damn good fighter."

"Theeeeeek Theeeeeek!"

"Just a sec, Hey Action Raptor! Glad to hear you've escaped. And I hear that the dragon royalty Parius and Edena are now out of Human custody. Parius and Edena? Really? Wait til we tell Action Pre and Edna. It's a small multiverse after all. Oh and you say I'm not to worry about the human's planned ambush as it was thwarted by The Order of The Pine Cone and the dragons knew about in anyway." The Dragons that were now surrounding Action Steve were nodding smugly. Action Steve looks meaningfully at Sir Sarah and Neville and smiles. "No I was just repeating what you said to Sarah and Nev for dramatic effect." The Great Sorcerer Neville looks incredulous. He mouths the word "Nev?" to Sir Sarah but she waives him silent and moves to leave. It seemed to occur to most of the humans that now that Action Steve had befriended the dragons, who had thwarted their ambush before it got started with the help of that wizard and dragon sympathizer The Mighty Pine Cone, and now that Action Steve apparently had a giant metal golem seemingly under his command, that they ought to reevaluate their strategic position. The humans begin to leave under the friendliest terms possible.

"What's that? Lord Rudolf escaped too? Is everyone ok? Yeah, even so we should track him down. I might be able to call on these dragons for help." He looks at a few of the dragons who nod affirmingly. The dragons aren't at all confused by his phone call, they must have some equivalent here. Some of them begin instructing others to search for Lord Rudolf, who was a dangerous killer. "Hey guess what? Not only did I defeat a very skilled Dragon warrior in single combat, but it looks like the The Super Action Vehicle is possessed-- hangon on" The SAV shakes his "head" no. "No, wait, has become alive. We better talk with some Dragon's who know magic. Not sure I trust any humans here to give us a straight answer. gimme a second.." Action Steve motions to Sir Sarah and Neville The Great. "Sir Sarah. Neville will you help us capture Lord Rudolf?" Action Steve asks his two enemies in such a sincere manner that the two don't quite know how to react.

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Monday, December 28, 2009


As Action Steve had been flying off in The Super Action Vehicle along with The Warlord Sir Sarah and Neville The Great, and before Action Steve knew he was in for a fight with a dragon, Action Raptor was going about the business of escaping. The day before Action Steve and Action Raptor had done their best to plan his escape under the circumstances, those circumstances being, among other things, stuck in a technologically primitive but magically rich alternate dimension and being imprisoned and watched very carefully by The Knight and Warlord Sir Sarah and her Wizard and Advisor, Neville The Great. They were both clever but Action Steve and Action Raptor had been clever too, and Action Raptor had managed to hide a few hot packets in his scarf.

Hot packets were very much like the sort of chemical warmers you got in any store, a few chemicals are kept separate by a seal until that seal is broken. Break the seal and you've got a nice warm pad to warm your feet or an injured bit of your body. Hot packets were different in two ways. One was that after the seal had been broken there was a very precise time delay when the packets got hot, and two was that they didn't so much warm up but become hot enough to melt through most metals. While his two dragon friends, Parius and Edena, looked on, Action Raptor had carefully placed and activated a few of these on the makeshift chain barrier that had been put across his cage (Action Raptor could easily get through the iron bars of this cage as it was obviously designed for dragons) would open up enough for Action Raptor to wriggle out.

It worked perfectly. The packets became white hot and made a fizzing noise not unlike an arc weilder and the chains dropped open. Action Raptor waited for the chains to cool down a bit and then wriggled out of his prison.

" THAAAAAAWK," rumbled Parius in praise of his new small lizard bird friend. The creature was very resourceful and clever. Action Raptor also made quick work of the lock on his new friend's door and the guard's came back just in time to see two dragons, both the size of houses, and that runt feathered dragon out of their cages!

The Guards ran away. The passage they went through was too small for the dragons to go through, but there was a large trap door that leads to the main castle courtyard right above them. Now that they were free. The two giants were easily able to break the locks on it and open them up.

There were not that many guards left, but those that were there were out in force. No doubt some have already been sent running to ask Sir Sarah for help. But The remaining humans were trying were trying to be brave. In the middle of the courtyard there was another smaller castle. Around it people were hauling barrels, and hay, and sundry other supplies for daily life. Or they had been. They were now making a break for it. But out of the giant door came a dozen men in armor. One of them, clearly scared but determined not to admit it, pointed his sword at the three creatures, "Dragon scum!" The two dragons got angrier at this and grinned malevolently. Action Raptors face was resolute. "Men! Att-"

"You'd better stand down son." The voice was quiet, but it carried over a long distance. And that's when the soldiers noticed everyone had gone. There was only them, the Dragons and ...

The owner of the voice stood up. He was wearing animal fur, and a large beard and long hair. He wore a pine cone necklace.

"How dare you side with these monsters! Who are you old man?"

The old man took out a lute and strummed a few notes, then he held it the wrong way round just as Action Steve holds his Ukulele. The lute began to sparkle. "I am The Mighty Pine Cone." The Mighty Pine Cone looked toward Action Raptor, "Before you and your friend leave I think you should come and see me. You both need some help defending yourselves against magic." He turned to Parius. "My friend may I suggest that you and your new friend go see to the masked man. I fear he may be in some trouble. I think that Edena and I can keep these men busy."

"Thaaaaaaaurc!" Action Raptor asked them to wait. He could more quickly help Action Steve by letting him know he was safe. A small microphone popped out of Action Raptor's flight cap. "Raaaaaaaatch!" The humans looked incredulous, but The Pine Cone and The Dragon's could understand enough to know that Action Raptor was contacting his friend somehow.

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Friday, December 25, 2009

Action Steve and Action Raptor Biography!

Action Steve and Action Raptor are two of Hulaville's greatest heroes. Once a mere call center agent, Steve decided to start wearing a mask, cape, and gloves and began calling himself Action Steve! Strangely this resulted in numerous super villains challenging him. Stranger still Action Steve found that he was an effective super hero! After eating inter-dimensional ice cream provided by his benefactor, Chronotron the Chronbot, Master of Time and Space, and traveller into alternate universes, Action Steve gained the power of not hurting his knees, getting prematurely winded or freaking out while engaging in normal super hero activities. While on an adventure through time with his benefactor Chronotron the Chronobot, Action Steve met a Raptor with a thirst for Justice* who took the name Action Raptor and became Action Steve's best friend and partner in crime fighting!

*Rather than blood.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Dragon Bait!

We rejoin Action Steve in an alternate world of swords, sorcery, and dragons! in The Land Of Eranor where Action Steve is in a one on one death match with a huge armored dragon!

I am sooooo clever! Action Steve angrily thought to himself as he dodged yet another blow from a large red dragon wearing spiked leather armor. His tail, or her tail Action Steve reminded himself, had a morning star strapped at the end, a large, spiked, metal ball that The Dragon surely used to simultaneously pummel and impale enemies. At the moment it was hitting dirt and nearby rocks that Action Steve, only moments before, had been occupying. The "fight" has been going on in this fashion for several minutes. Swing. Miss. Breathe fire. Mostly miss but set some piece of action Steve's costume on fire. Repeat.

They were fighting in an open space that had clearly seen this kind of combat before. The two combatants were surrounded on either side by a dragons, some smaller, some much larger than Action Steve's opponent, and humans, which looked pretty drab and boring compared with the colorful dragons who were snorting, and roaring in a fashion that obviously indicated they were having a good time. The humans, on the other hand, were all wearing the same chainmail armor, helmets and swords. All with the same look sported by dull policeman, security guards, and crossing guards everywhere. The Dragon shot another jet of fire in Action Steve's direction, which he, again, narrowly missed. This was not the plan he had signed up for. Though he hadn't liked that one much either.

"We have agreed to meet with these, creatures," Sir Sarah, the local warlord who had captured Action Steve, had spat the word, "On neutral ground."

"We are going to ambush them there," sneered Neville. "You will use your understanding of the dragon's ... guttural utterances ... to gain their trust and speak with their leaders on our behalf. This will prove a sufficient demonstration --"

"--and distraction," interjects Sir Sarah.

"Quite," agreed Neville The Great, "to allow our men to spring our little trap, and end this war." Neville brightens up malevolently, "Good plan eh?"

Action Steve was about to tell the both of them what he thought they could do with their plan--

"Before you object," interjected Neville, "This would be a much less bloody conflict than the generations long struggle has been. Think of the peace future generations will enjoy, and think of your friend, this small dragon you call Action Raptor."

What could he have done? They had captured both him and Action Raptor and were using his feathered friend as a hostage. Against his better judgment, Action Steve assented to their plan.

It's not enough that The Dragon's huge, bulging with muscles, and heavily armored, the damn creature can breathe fire! Action Steve has avoided being fried to a crisp so far but his cape and much of his costume had not. He's had to check himself a few times and make sure he wasn't on fire, but that's become a lost cause; most of him is now smoldering. At least his hat, a straw fedora, was mostly in one piece. Here comes another swing of The Dragon's tail, Action Steve makes to roll under it but is hit! Not, thankfully, by the spiky bit, but he has been knocked into the dragon side of the crowd. The Dragons roaring and cheering and hollering even louder now. They're obviously impressed by the fact that he, a human, is still alive after this many minutes with a dragon. Two smaller, just a little bigger than man sized, dragons help him up and nod at him encouragingly. "Thanks, I appreciate that," Action Steve is always gracious to his fans. No matter what species they are, or what dimension they're from.

Just as Action Steve gets back into the ring he hears the TWANG of a stringed instrument.

Everyone suddenly becomes silent and looks to the source of the noise, which turns out to be The Super Action Vehicle! Action Steve's Action Ukulele has just been ejected from The Super Action Vehicle's roof! The heads and necks of humans and Dragons follow it's curve in space as Action Steve leaps and catches it!

Inwardly Action Steve is wondering how the hell The Action-lele had got there, last he knew, Sir Sarah had taken it and secreted it somewhere along with most of his other gadgets. Outwardly however, Action Steve is all smiles. Before anyone can react, Action Steve plays a D minor chord and the ukulele's neck extends at least a meter and a half and hits the ground, propelling Action Steve into the Air like a pogo pole vault! Action Steve vaults straight toward the dragon, while in the air the Action-lele retracts and extends two large mallet ends on either side of the Action Ukulele's body. The Dragon swings his or her tail toward our hero, but he deflects it away with a hit of his Action-lele as the arc of his leap takes him right over the dragon's head! At that exact moment, Action Steve lets the dragon have a face full of knock out gas, lands behind the creature and, from his Action-lele, launches two grappling hooks connected by a cable right at the dragon's legs! The Dragon, sluggish from the gas, attempts to take a step, and falls to the ground.

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Stand by for more Action Steve!

Stay tuned for more Action Steve episodes starting December 21st! The Author of Action Steve in your universe is taking his final this week!

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Arena Battle!

It's late morning and Action Steve is flying his Super Action Vehicle beyond the borders of Eranor and into Dragon Country, The Knight and Warlord, Sir Sarah, and The Sinister Sorcerer, Neville The Great, ride with him. Neville watches the landscape fly beneath them, transfixed despite himself. Sir Sarah sits behind Action Steve and as they approach the border she takes out a knife from her belt and points it at him. "You play your part well Action Steve, or you'll find there is such a thing as more 'action' than you can bear." Action Steve suppresses any sarcastic gestures he might usually make at this point because there is a woman holding a knife at his neck. The Super Action Vehicle lands before a clearing surrounded on one side by Dragons and another by humans.

The Dragons were all very large, much larger than a man, and most larger than The Super Action Vehicle, and their shapes were incredibly varied. They seemed to encompass all the legends and permutations of dragons in Action Steve's experience of popular culture. There were long fish scaled green ones with mustaches and legs like birds. Others looked like giant lizards with scaled bat-like wings. Still more looked like giant snakes with wing spans much larger than their bodies. These last dragons flew over the clearing, swooping down occasionally, blowing fire and smoke as they came down and rose again.

The humans weren't nearly as fantastical as the Dragons, save for a few wizards wearing long flowing robes inscribed with strange symbols, some of which seemed to Action Steve to resemble Japanese Kanji while others looked more like geometric figures. There were, of course, many men in similar suits of chain mail armor, and somewhat pointed helmuts. And there were a few men and perhaps women, it was hard to tell, in full, shining, plate armor.

The Super Action Vehicle opens to cheering from the human side. Sir Sarah and Neville The Great climb out, waving to the crowd, Action Steve climbs out and suppresses an impulse to smile and wave too. It's hard to be sarcastic when your captors are holding your friend hostage. Sir Sarah leans toward Action Steve and speaks softly, "Remember that I have your friend. Remember that, just as before, there are too many here for you to defeat," she put her hand to her sword in such a way that all could see her threatening Action Steve even if they couldn't hear the actual threat, "should you think about not, playing, nice."

Action Steve tries to keep his face blank. He finds, much to his personal pride, that he isn't as scared as he might have thought so before he became a super hero. And if it turns out that he ends up dying in some political struggle between Knights, Sorcerers, and Dragons in some alternate dimension, well, he couldn't think of a more awesome way to go. Unless it was also on a rocket, in space.

Sir Sarah motions for quiet "Dragons and Humans hear me! We have made great progress in bringing peace between our two Nations! As a token of good will, and to pay for Dragon Blood spilled by humans, I offer Action Steve, one of our finest champions, to fight one of your chosen dragon warriors, may his death appease your anger with us, and his bravery demonstrate our worthiness as an ally!"

"Wait, what?" asks Action Steve as he is handed a sword and shoved into the center of the clearing to the sound of humans cheering and Dragons roaring.

Sir Sarah and Neville look on at Action Steve, confused, angry, and more than a little scared to do battle with a creature many times his size. "Do you think he'll last long enough?" a grinning Neville asks Sir Sarah.

"Oh definitely, and now that we have his chariot in working order, and have ascertained that his pet is more than capable of repairing it without him, we now no longer have any need of Action Steve," answers Sir Sarah. The man was too trusting, she thought to herself. She saw it right away when she put him in the same cell as that killer beast Lord Rudolf. He instinctively assums that everyone around him is friendly and will be as courteous as he was if only he is polite, forthright, and fair. She knew the type, people like him were exceedingly easy to manipulate.

"Look, the fool's thrown down his sword!" yelled one of her warriors. She looked, indeed he had, this was not unexpected. Thankfully, he was good at dodging his opponent dragon's whipping tail and fiery breath. She was confident he would provide a long enough distraction for her warriors to get into place and spring the ambush. The dragons here were thought by their race as something like kings and nobles, as if such creatures could ever be orderly enough to have a proper king or understand the nature of nobility. No matter, once they had been killed, it would be relatively easy to defeat and exterminate of their filthy scaled brethren.

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Improbable Providence

We return to the land of Eranor! Where Action Steve has been conscripted in a war between dragons and humans. Specifically the humans Sir Sarah and Neville The Great have taken Action Raptor hostage and will only release both our action heroes if Action Steve will help them fight against the "great evil beasts" as Sir Sarah describes the Dragons. We go now to Action Raptor's cell and the strange company he finds there!


Action Raptor, a feathered dinosaur, half as tall as Action Steve, was currently in a very large cage. It was much too large for a human or modern animal. But the claw marks on the walls made Action Raptor think of older times. The times before he met Action Steve. A time containing large beasts, large claws, and large toothy jaws. Through the makeshift chain lattice put over cage bars he otherwise could have easily slid through, Action Raptor sees a distinct and large silhouette in the opposite cell.

"RHHHRRRHGGHGGGGGggggg" says the shape, in a gutteral growl that Action Raptor both hears and feels. But our hero recognizes this dialect! How strange! Ah, but didn't their benefactor, Chronobot, Master of time and space, tell them that this particular version of Eranor was populated by people who spoke English? Chronobot was constantly reminding The Action Duo that there are an infinite number of universes, that each moment is it's own universe, and that a being's feeling of continuity between moments was just because they were in a universe in which they happened to remember a past that matched the events in other moments/universes.

"There are no probabilities, only possiblities," Chronobot would always say, meaning that there were an infinite number of possible countries named Eranor. In one alternate universe it could be inhabited by humans who spoke english and in another it was populated by small yap dogs that spoke cockroach. Chronotron must have chosen one of the more convienient possible universes where the humans spoke English and dragons spoke dinosaur. Or maybe Action Steve spoke Eranorish and Action Raptor spoke Dragon? Whichever, it meant that Action Raptor would be able to communicate and possibly befriend the dragon's here, and who knew? Maybe they were friendlier than the local humans. They'd almost have to be.

"Thaaaaaurc?" Action Raptor introduced himself and asked the Dragon his name.

"THHHHHHOOOOUUUUGGHK!" The dragon expresses surprise that the chicken lizard can speak dragon and replies that his name is Parius.

"THEEEAAAATCH!" Another Dragon responds that she is Edena.

Astonishing! Thought Acton Raptor, he knew that Action Pre's full name was Parius, and that the new server's name at The Cold War Cafe was Edna. Could these be alternate dragon version of the humans he knew? Action Raptor quickly explained his situation as best he could to the creatures. He spoke of all the possible worlds. Yes, they did have an understanding of the many universes, though Action Raptor noted, in a rather primitive way. It was only to be expected. The technology here was so primitive. Parius told Action Raptor of the war between dragons and humans. It was not blameless on either side, but there was a growing group of dragons who were tired of the fighting and even a small number of human sympathizers. The dissenting dragons were tolerated by other dragons, but the humans who felt Dragons ought to be treated equally were often jailed, or worse. Together the two dragons and Action Raptor begin to hatch an escape plan.

A little later, Action Raptor sees his pal, Action Steve, being led toward him in chains by two men in chain armor. Action Steve greets his friend and comrade in crime fighting, "Hey pal, are you alright?"

"Raaaaauuuuwwthich!" Action Raptor responds that he's not been hurt and that they very likely have some human and dragon allies they can rely on, if only they could escape.

"Glad to hear it buddy," Action Steve is well aware that the guards are listening but also pretty sure none of them have bothered to learn raptor. Action Steve has noticed that the humans around here think of Dragons as little more than beasts, and view their "war" more as an effort in exterminating some particularly difficult animal plague, rather like gigantic locusts, than as a conflict between nations. "I need your help fixing up the Super Action Vehicle. Then I'll need to go away for a little bit on an errand for Sir Sarah."

"Thaaaaaaaaaachhh!" Replies Action Raptor. Translated this means "And I'm to remain here as a hostage no doubt. My new friends and I will escape under cover of night. I'll send word once we're free."

Action Steve replies, ever mindful of his captor's ears as they clasp Action Raptor in chains and lead the two heroes down the hall toward their vehicle, "Ok, sounds good, I think that's what's wrong too." Action Steve pauses a moment and then adds, "Let's get to work."

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Friday, December 4, 2009

The Prison Break In

It's now night at Hulaville prison, where The Thrill Seeker is once again meditating in his cell block. His guards were carefully chosen by The Mighty Pineapple herself to make sure he doesn't try to escape again. Down the hallway, The Senator, in his trademark blue suit and red tie, walks toward two Pineapple Patrollers standing vigil at the doors to the special high security cell. The Senator is alone, and this is an unusual sight. He is normally protected at all times by body guards, and surrounded by lawyers and advisers. He approaches the two guards.

One of the guards talks before The Senator has a chance to speak. "Sorry sir, absolutely no one allowed in, orders from the mayor sir."

"I understand." The Senator says nothing else. He simply stands there in silence as the guards begin to feel awkward under his stare.


Suddenly all the lights go out! Before the men can react, they begin to feel powerfully sleepy and fall unconscious where they stand!

In his cell, The Thrill Seeker opens his eyes, not that this makes a difference in the darkness.


Earlier that night Pimp Racer approaches a dog proudly standing on a building, looking for bad people, or squirrels, to chase. "Hello, Super Shaun," he says. The dog quickly turns around faces the man with the funny hat. He knows this is a good man, but he looks a little like a bad man, and thus, Super Shaun is wary. "Alright dog, I need your help to get into Hulaville prison. I know The Thrill Seeker's going to try and escape again and I want to make sure he doesn't succeed."

Super Shaun still looks at Pimp Racer doubtfully. Pimp Racer sighs, rolls his eyes, and takes a plastic bag out of his jacket, "and I also have these sausages for you if you help me."


Later, but still earlier than The Senator's visit to The Thrill Seeker's cell, Pimp Racer is hanging underneath Super Shaun in a harness, trying to look as cool as he can under the circumstances, as they both fly low over Hulaville prison. The two land nearby the high security wing where The Thrill Seeker is held. "Ok dog, lets do this." Super Shaun doesn't bark but pants happily. The good bad man is a lot of fun to be around, but Super Shaun hopes he gets more sausages soon. Pimp Racer takes out a mini arc wielder and opens a vent. "C'mon dog, let's make sure this guy doesn't go out for walkies." Pimp Racer and Super Shaun go in.

After a few minutes of crawling in the vents, Pimp Racer, in his trademark pimp hat, and Super Shaun the super dog in a cape, have reached the high security doors of The Thrill Seeker's cell when, who should come in but The Senator! "Check it out dog, it's The Senator." Super Shaun looked at the bad man coming down the hall. Super Shaun had a feeling about this man like no other, he had a feeling that this man was worse than any he had ever caught. Since he was a dog, he didn't think fear was shameful, and so began to whimper a little. "Shhhh!" commanded Pimp Racer, though to be fair Pimp Racer was also getting the heebee jeebees just looking at the guy. Why didn't other people see this? Maybe spooky vibes don't transmit over television.

"Sorry sir, absolutely no one allowed in, orders from the mayor sir," says one of the guards.

"I understand," The Senator replies. After a few silent moments while The Senator stares at them, the lights go out! Pimp Racer can hear the two guards fall unconscious! Pimp Racer hears a soft clunk and looks to his side.

Of course he can't see anything so he feels by his side...

and discovers that Super Shaun is asleep!

If this was knock out gas, Pimp Racer thought to himself, why didn't he fall asleep too? Of course! The talisman! Years ago, while training to be a Pimp Master, Pimp Racer was given a talisman by a voodoo priestess in thanks for helping her escape the Minnesota Mafia. That talisman protects Pimp Racer from all but the most powerful magics. This must be a speel and The Senator is some kind of sorcerer!

Pimp Racer, carrying his canine companion, quietly follows The Senator above the vents as he walks into into The Thrill Seeker's cell! He can't get through to The Thrill Seeker or The Senator but he can see and hear them. Pimp Racer pulls out an infrared camera and begins to record.

In his cell, The Thrill Seeker opens his eyes, not that this makes any difference in the darkness. "Hello Senator, I've been waiting for you." says The Thrill Seeker.

"I imagine so. And were you also imagining that I'd rescue you as before?"

"No I expect you're tired of my shenanigans and will kill me, or at least try to. Haven't we done this before? When was the last time you tried killing me? 50 years at least. Of course you didn't call yourself a senator then."

"I thought we had a deal," says The Senator, exasperated. "As soon as I helped you escape you would leave the country and lie low for a bit. Then I would teach you a few secrets. I can't bribe you with money anymore. There was a time when a nice mansion and a few courtesans could keep you out of my affairs. And now, the one time I offer to include you in something, you screw it up! Why didn't you just leave?"

Pimp Racer could now see that The Thrill Seeker and The Senator went way back, way, way, way farther back than he ever would have suspected!

"I don't really care to learn any wizardly secrets. I came here again because it sounded fun and I stayed here because I wanted to see what would happen! Anyway, you should have learned by now that you can't stop me," The Thrill Seeker stands up. "CAN'T NOBODY STOP ME!!!"

The Senator looks bored and exasperated. "Why do you say things like that?"

The Thrill Seeker, looking a little dejected, counters. "Because it passes the time! It's fun! That's your problem. You're never any fun!"

The Senator raises his hand toward The Thrill Seeker's cell with an air of finality. This gesture seems to say that the conversation is over. His hand begins to glow, illuminating the room.

Pimp Racer turns off the infrared, the camera can now clearly see The Senator pointing his glowing hand at The Thrill Seeker, who looks bored. "I'll be seeing you," he says.

"Not if there's nothing left to heal. Not if I don't leave anything, not even the smallest of remains."

The Thrill Seeker looks thoughtful, "You know I've always wondered about that."

"You don't get to find out if I succeed."

"Well now, I think a lot of people would disagr--"

Curling ribbons of light extend from The Senator's hand and envelop The Thrill Seeker, who screams in pain. In a moment it is over and the lights go back out. Pimp Racer puts the infrared back on in time to record The senator walking away from an empty cell. There aren't even any ashes. There is no smoke.

"Damn!" whispers Pimp Racer, "The Senator killed the Thrill Seeker!" Pimp Racer quickly hacks into Hulaville Prison's wifi and quickly uploads the video to a dozen video sites.

Super Shaun is not sure why he had a nap, but he instantly feels that something is wrong. The good bad man with the funny hat seems to want to leave, and Super Shaun thinks it's time to go too, this place is no good. They crawl out of the vent. The vent was fun! But some men are coming after the good bad man and Shaun. It's time to leave.

Pimp Racer quickly straps himself and Super Shaun into the harness. "O.K. pal, lets go!" The two heroes fly off into the night.

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

On The Run Again

"This is Rich Richman with breaking news! The courageous and lovable super dog and member of The Action Alliance, Super Shaun, is racing after The Thrill Seeker! Close behind is a black car that is obviously not street legal, and our brave Hulaville police officers, and the Pineapple Patrol, are hot on their tails, so to speak."

Do you know how much fun a dog can have chasing a rabbit or chicken, or squirrel? You've seen that happy running dog right? Now, imagine that happy dog going 80 miles an hour, flying at 60 miles an hour, chasing after a motorcycle like it was a runaway chicken. This is Super Shaun, super powerful pooch of justice. Pure of heart and strong of purpose, Super Shaun knows the man he chases is a bad man and that he must be stopped so he doesn't hurt anyone else.

The Thrill Seeker is having less fun with this chase than with the last one. Then he was giving Action Steve and Action Pre more trouble, which was always fun. And he liked playing with Pimp Racer, that guy was alright and a heck of a lot of fun in a fight. But this dog was just annoying. The Thrill Seeker knew the truth of it of course. He was always one to follow his impulses where they lead. He was more free that anyone he'd ever met, even during those times when he'd been in a cage, but the dog, the dog was the same as him. It wasn't troubled by doubt and uncertainty like human beings were. It instinctively knew who was bad, because bad people were the one's who hurt people. He'd heard about the creature's ability to identify the gist of any situation, even if he didn't get the nuances, and always fight on "the side of good". Both Super Shaun and The Thrill Seeker knew he was a bad man. Super Shaun was a match for The Thrill Seeker in a way that no other human could be.

Pimp Racer is hot on the heels of the super dog and The Thrill Seeker. Damn those two could move! He was using all of his super-chargers and cornering grapple lines, not to mention his own considerable driving skill to keep up with him but... The Thrill Seeker was extremely reckless, or would be reckless if not for that amazing healing power of his, and being reckless gave him an advantage on the street. At one point Pimp Racer swore The Thrill Seeker's neck had been broken by an oncoming vehicle. All he did was swerve a little and readjust his neck while it healed! The moment Pimp Racer thought he had that madman, the madman would do something crazy and survive something no human being ought to survive.

"I guess if you practice at crazy you get good at it just like anything else," Pimp Racer said to himself, "time to see how quick a study I am." Pimp Racer hit the accelerator all the way down.

The Mighty Pineapple had been in a foul mood all week. How the devil had The Thrill seeker managed to escape? Why hadn't the guards seen anything? She was beginning to suspect her whole Pineapple Patrol was lying to her, at least those parts of the patrol who had been guarding this most important of prisoners. Until very recently The Mighty Pineapple had lived a life of crime, largely because she'd always felt like an outcast. But now she was a real contributing member of society. The Senator had given her a chance to make up for all she had done before, and she wasn't about to screw this up. She owed it to herself and to Hulaville.

A few minutes ago she got the call that The Thrill Seeker had shown his ugly head, and now she was in hot pursuit. She had been pleased to learn that she was good at this, very good. She'd catch that menace again. And she'd catch Action Steve too, that smug bearded bast---

"Holy moley!" exclaimed a Pineapple Patroller. The Thrill Seeker had just driven up the arch on the side of the bridge, but that wasn't what had inspired the comment. That black car had run off the road at top speed, shot a crapload of grappling hooks onto the bridge and was swinging, in his car, as Action Steve might swing on his grapple-lele!

Maybe this wasn't the best idea after all. Pimp Racer was thinking to himself as he and a few tons of metal were swinging at high speed in midair, but it seemed to be working. Pimp Racer had quickly calculated the grappling hook shots to allow the car to complete a full loop and twist in such a way that he'd land on the arch of the bridge and slide down the arch to the street.

SLAM! It worked! Pimp Racer is crazy pimpin'!

"Sorry baby" he said to the car, "I'll fix you up really good after this is all over." Pimp Racer's car was pimped out enough that it's undercarriage could take a lot of damage, but this was pushing things way over the edge. The car had landed at an angle, but it was balanced on the arch. As Pimp Racer's car started to slide down The Thrill Seeker rode toward him.

Impressive, thought The Thrill Seeker.

The Thrill Seeker was about to jump off into Hulaville bay beneath them but Pimp Racer shoots a net onto the villian, and pulls him right onto the hood of the car! Amazingly Pimp Racer lands right side up. The Thrill Seeker curiously calm, strapped to the front of Pimp Racer's car. The Pineapple Patrol Rolls up to the car just as it dumps the vile villain onto the ground, and zooms off. The Mighty Pineapple gets out of her car with a few of her Pineapple Patrol.

"Do we go after the car?" asks one of them.

She considers it for a moment, "No, we've got our hands full with this one for now. I'm going to personally get him in the new cages as soon as possible. He is not going to escape again."

Edna, roller derby athlete, mechanic, roboticist, grad student, and server at The Cold War Cafe is watching the race from her apartment above The Cold War Cafe's garage and research lab. She turns the channel from the coverage of the chase downtown to coverage of Action Pre's speech after he lost the election. There is a guy who knows how to capitalize on his celebrity.

Taped from a speech earlier today, Action Pre speaks before a group of journalists and supporters.

"As you know, Mayor Malloy remains the mayor and I would like to encourage all of you to support him as we all face the challenges and the promise of this great city. I also wanted to use this opportunity to announce that I have published a book, 'It's Me, Action Pre' along with my CD of the same title."

The television program cuts to a man with oversize red cats eye sunglasses and purple dreadlocks. "This is Ronny Richman on The Hulaville Music Channel. Right after losing the election Action Pre releases a book and cd? Along with his career as one of Hulaville's greatest super heroes and running a campaign to be mayor, Action Pre finds the time to record music and write a book? Perhaps that time was better spent on the campaign trail eh Action Pre? Although it's hard for anyone to argue with the results as Action Pre's new single 'Party Paramecium' is currently at the top of the Charts--"

Edna turned off the T.V., grabbed her skates and gear and headed off to the roller rink. "This town is so ridiculous," she says to herself.

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