Monday, December 21, 2009

Dragon Bait!

We rejoin Action Steve in an alternate world of swords, sorcery, and dragons! in The Land Of Eranor where Action Steve is in a one on one death match with a huge armored dragon!

I am sooooo clever! Action Steve angrily thought to himself as he dodged yet another blow from a large red dragon wearing spiked leather armor. His tail, or her tail Action Steve reminded himself, had a morning star strapped at the end, a large, spiked, metal ball that The Dragon surely used to simultaneously pummel and impale enemies. At the moment it was hitting dirt and nearby rocks that Action Steve, only moments before, had been occupying. The "fight" has been going on in this fashion for several minutes. Swing. Miss. Breathe fire. Mostly miss but set some piece of action Steve's costume on fire. Repeat.

They were fighting in an open space that had clearly seen this kind of combat before. The two combatants were surrounded on either side by a dragons, some smaller, some much larger than Action Steve's opponent, and humans, which looked pretty drab and boring compared with the colorful dragons who were snorting, and roaring in a fashion that obviously indicated they were having a good time. The humans, on the other hand, were all wearing the same chainmail armor, helmets and swords. All with the same look sported by dull policeman, security guards, and crossing guards everywhere. The Dragon shot another jet of fire in Action Steve's direction, which he, again, narrowly missed. This was not the plan he had signed up for. Though he hadn't liked that one much either.

"We have agreed to meet with these, creatures," Sir Sarah, the local warlord who had captured Action Steve, had spat the word, "On neutral ground."

"We are going to ambush them there," sneered Neville. "You will use your understanding of the dragon's ... guttural utterances ... to gain their trust and speak with their leaders on our behalf. This will prove a sufficient demonstration --"

"--and distraction," interjects Sir Sarah.

"Quite," agreed Neville The Great, "to allow our men to spring our little trap, and end this war." Neville brightens up malevolently, "Good plan eh?"

Action Steve was about to tell the both of them what he thought they could do with their plan--

"Before you object," interjected Neville, "This would be a much less bloody conflict than the generations long struggle has been. Think of the peace future generations will enjoy, and think of your friend, this small dragon you call Action Raptor."

What could he have done? They had captured both him and Action Raptor and were using his feathered friend as a hostage. Against his better judgment, Action Steve assented to their plan.

It's not enough that The Dragon's huge, bulging with muscles, and heavily armored, the damn creature can breathe fire! Action Steve has avoided being fried to a crisp so far but his cape and much of his costume had not. He's had to check himself a few times and make sure he wasn't on fire, but that's become a lost cause; most of him is now smoldering. At least his hat, a straw fedora, was mostly in one piece. Here comes another swing of The Dragon's tail, Action Steve makes to roll under it but is hit! Not, thankfully, by the spiky bit, but he has been knocked into the dragon side of the crowd. The Dragons roaring and cheering and hollering even louder now. They're obviously impressed by the fact that he, a human, is still alive after this many minutes with a dragon. Two smaller, just a little bigger than man sized, dragons help him up and nod at him encouragingly. "Thanks, I appreciate that," Action Steve is always gracious to his fans. No matter what species they are, or what dimension they're from.

Just as Action Steve gets back into the ring he hears the TWANG of a stringed instrument.

Everyone suddenly becomes silent and looks to the source of the noise, which turns out to be The Super Action Vehicle! Action Steve's Action Ukulele has just been ejected from The Super Action Vehicle's roof! The heads and necks of humans and Dragons follow it's curve in space as Action Steve leaps and catches it!

Inwardly Action Steve is wondering how the hell The Action-lele had got there, last he knew, Sir Sarah had taken it and secreted it somewhere along with most of his other gadgets. Outwardly however, Action Steve is all smiles. Before anyone can react, Action Steve plays a D minor chord and the ukulele's neck extends at least a meter and a half and hits the ground, propelling Action Steve into the Air like a pogo pole vault! Action Steve vaults straight toward the dragon, while in the air the Action-lele retracts and extends two large mallet ends on either side of the Action Ukulele's body. The Dragon swings his or her tail toward our hero, but he deflects it away with a hit of his Action-lele as the arc of his leap takes him right over the dragon's head! At that exact moment, Action Steve lets the dragon have a face full of knock out gas, lands behind the creature and, from his Action-lele, launches two grappling hooks connected by a cable right at the dragon's legs! The Dragon, sluggish from the gas, attempts to take a step, and falls to the ground.

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